The funny pages

Warning...!!!

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a near miss yesterday.

I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky..

90 yr old man goes to the chemist and asks for 6 viagra tablets. "Can you break them into quarters for me" he asks. The chemist tells him that he won't get an erection with a quarter tablet. The old man says, " I don't want an erection, I am just sick of pissing on me slippers"!

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does pooh come from dad?"

His dad explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as pooh".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".

JJ_Decay wrote:

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does pooh come from dad?"

His dad explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as pooh".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".

>.< And the sad part is, that would be my answer; I tend to answer things more clinically than people ask for.

Poor kitty.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth - but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. To add insult to the injury he did to his wife, he instructed the movers to take everything -- even the curtain rods....

Wow, I heard most of the story except for the taking of the curtain rods. Nice.