The funny pages

Subject: Re: The funny pages Tue May 05, 2009 8:55 pm

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic ,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless breast?
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Subject: Re: The funny pages Tue May 05, 2009 11:09 pm

^^^ hahahah So true tongue

Subject: Re: The funny pages Thu May 07, 2009 7:19 pm

Funniest thing I've stumbled on in a while:
http://www.brokenpicturetelephone.com/

Remember playing telephone when you were little? Same thing, only with post-its and pictures. Not only is it funny, it's a GREAT way to avoid doing any kind of "real" work!

Subject: Re: The funny pages Fri May 08, 2009 11:13 am

http://oddee.com/item_96514.aspx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeYOdgwByLc

Subject: Re: The funny pages Fri May 08, 2009 6:07 pm

Two guys are sitting at the bar.

One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike's dead."

"Whoa! What happened to him?"

"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go! That's terrible."

"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"

"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."

"What a horrible death!"

"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in all that water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don't mix and so he's lying there with the juice running through him and can't get away from it."

"What an ugly way to die!"

"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."

"Hold on now...just how the hell DID he die?"

"I shot him."

"You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"Well, he was wrecking my house."

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed May 13, 2009 6:24 pm

this is part of the menu at a local pizza place... I think they import the fish&chips it or maybe its just the best fish&chips in the world but thats, um... Shocked

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed May 13, 2009 6:29 pm

Lmao Ravengrim... great joke LOL

lol Endless for that price they better be the best fish & chips in the world.

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun May 17, 2009 7:44 pm

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon May 18, 2009 12:27 am

I had a good laugh looking at these...
1
2
3
4
I want to know what the heck was going through their minds LOL

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon May 18, 2009 12:30 am

oh my

:D:D

Guest

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon May 18, 2009 8:55 pm

^^^ hahahahah LOL

Subject: Re: The funny pages Thu May 21, 2009 12:41 am

MoonRaven wrote:: 3

I certainly hope he/she was paid for that.

Quote :: 4

Looks more like pen markings.

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun May 24, 2009 6:36 pm

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began to show unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 are all now monitored.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

___

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Guest

I'm in your shower

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:32 am

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.

‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ‘I outlived the b!tches.’

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:01 pm

Causion... really funny... may cause laughter induced fainting LOL

Unnessary Censorship

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:38 pm

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of
customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop
and said,

"About an hour only." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and
said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he
goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he
doesn't ever come back". A little while later, Bill returned to the
shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy
go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
"To your wife."

Subject: Re: The funny pages Tue Jun 16, 2009 8:01 pm

Amazing Home Remidies

>> 1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF
> >> BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE
> >> WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
> >>
> >> 2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES
> >> BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES
> >> WHILE YOU CHOP.
> >>
> >> 3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
> USING THE SINK.
> >>
> >> 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
> >> BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR
> >> VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
> >>
> >> 5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT
> >> YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT
> >> THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
> >>
> >> 6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
> >> LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
> >>
> >> 7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF
> >> IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T
> >> MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
> >>
> >> 8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
> >>
> >> 9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.